Sh%& My Kids Say

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I think that as a parent, we all have some awesome stories about hilarious things our kids have said and done. I have been trying to compile a list over the past several months and saved some of the best ones I’ve heard to share with you folks. Most of my blogs are pretty serious in nature, and while I think that’s important, every once in awhile I want to just relax and post something I find amusing. Parents, please feel free to add your own in the comments or on Facebook or Twitter. I love hearing about funny shit other kids say, too!

Let me start by saying that my kids are 6, 3 and 18 months. So most of the things I have here are from the 6 year-old, but I’ve gotten some good nuggets from the 3 year-old as well. Hope you enjoy.

Danny: Knock knock!
Me: Who’s there?
Danny: Skid mark!
Me: …….. Skid mark who?
Danny: Skid mark in the bathtub! Come look!
(Note: Yes, this happens in our house. The “baby” doesn’t understand proper bathtub etiquette. I know, what an asshole, right? And ends up leaving a surprise in the tub. Sometimes it’s a lot, sometimes it’s a little and we don’t even notice until later.)
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I sing and dance a lot around my kids. Like, a lot. Honestly when they grow up I am convinced that they will know how to drop it low, pick it up slow better than any woman they encounter. But, I also love to belt out my favorite songs in the car. Usually, they don’t mind, but I guess Ashton was getting irritated with me one day.

Me: [Singing some obnoxious song]
Ashton: Stop singing.
Me: [Keeps singing]
Ashton: We’re going to kill you, and then you’ll never sing again.
Me: …….
(I lock my door every night now.)
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Danny (as a 3 year-old): I pooped a yittle bit.

Danny (as a 5 year old when I told him no): YOU’RE MAKING ME CRY THESE TEARS!
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Danny’s Kindergarten teacher is retiring – I was trying to talk to him about what it means:

Me: So she isn’t going to be teaching at your school anymore. She is going to be at home, relaxing and maybe traveling or being with her family.
Danny: Well, is she going to have school in her home? Is she going to teach the kids at her house?
Me: Well, I don’t think so. When you retire, it is usually to stop working and start pursuing your other interests. Maybe baking, or gardening, or travel. You know what? You should ask her tomorrow. Ask her if she has special plans for—-.
Danny: (before I even finish my sentence) You know the problem with jet packs? If you don’t wear a helmet, you could come back down with bugs in your teeth.
Me: Um, yep, that could be a thing.
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I’ve mentioned this before, but “poop” is a big thing in our house. So are farts. When Ashton was 2, he was obsessed with inserting poo into any sentence, song title or comment he made. We have sung “Old McPoo-Poo Had a Poo”, “The Wheels on the Poop”, and “The Poop Grass Grows All Around”.
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One day, I asked Ashton what he was making with legos.
Ashton: [in a sing-song voice] A bug! A buggy buggy bug! A pizza bug!
Me: What the hell is going on, is this real life? Why am I chanting it with him?
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Last year, Danny had a best friend at preschool. His best friend was several inches taller than he was, and had a markedly deeper voice with different inflections and ways of saying words. At one point, Danny came home and began to imitate the voice. Then he start speaking like that full-time. When we asked him why he decided to change his voice, he said: This is my voice now. Jacob’s voice is my voice.

Wow, Talented Mr. Ripley, much?
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While listening to the radio one day:
Danny: Oh, mom, can you turn it up? This is one of my jams.

Ahahahaha!
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Last week I didn’t get the chance to shower for a day (or two. Shut up). So I came up to Ashton really close and I asked him how I smelled.
Me: Ashton, do I smell okay?
Ashton: Nope.
Me: What? What do I smell like?
Ashton: An egg barbecue.
Me: Well I guess it could be worse.
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Every day I sit down with Danny and we talk about his day at school.

Me: What did you read at school today?
Danny: A book called “Butterfly Diarrhea”
Me: Whaaaaat? Do you mean “Butterfly Diary” or like “The Diary of a Butterfly?”
Danny: No, it is absolutely “Butterfly Diarrhea”.
Me: Well, what was it about?
Danny: It was about a butterfly and what it does all day.
Me: So you mean “Diary”. A diary is what people write in to talk about their day and feelings and stuff.
Danny: Nope. Definitely diarrhea.

Note: I am still looking for Butterfly Diarrhea to this day. I WILL find it.
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When you’re a parent, you have to say no a lot. I happened to be saying no to Danny when he asked for a cookie:
Danny: YOU ARE RUDE! AND YOU HAVE A TERRIBLE NAME. JUST STOP TEACHING ME THINGS!

You cut me deep, kid.
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Danny drumming in the car:
Me: What song are you playing, dude?
Danny: This is just a tribute, mom.
Okay that made me proud.
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Danny calls Professor Umbridge from Harry Potter ‘The one who loves cats’  I think that’s all I need to say about that.
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Danny: [Out of nowhere]: Everybody dies.
Me: Yup. And everybody poops.
Danny: But first, everybody farts.
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Danny made this random ass thing out of legos, it was some brown blocks stacked onto a green pair of Lego pants. He called it walking horse poop, and then started circling around the room, chanting “WALKING POOP. WALKING POOP. WALKING POOP” in a monotone voice.
Yup. That’s my kid.
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So what’ve YOU got?



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